Nuvion Drama Club
by Serb
Summary: In order to stop the Resistance, the Germans form a drama club. Herr Flick singing! Harry Potter German version! Please read + review!


The Nuvion Drama Club  
  
Author's Note: Well, this is the last story I write, for, let's say, about two months. Because I have to go for my summer holidays to Yugoslavia, and I can't write there. Now are the damned exams, but I squeezed out a little time to write this. Of course the characters don't belong to me but to the series.. enjoy this story!  
  
//////////////////////  
  
Colonel Von Strohm sat in his office, bored as usual. He was fiddling with an ink pen, until the thing squirted ink into his face.  
  
'Damn it!' growled the Colonel, grabbing a tissue.  
  
'You should be careful with such things, Colonel,' Spoke Gruber, sitting in his chair, nose buried into the newspapers.  
  
'Ink pens should be outlawed!' sighed Colonel.  
  
Suddenly, the doors burst open, and in marched Helga.  
  
'GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN!' she roared.  
  
Out of shock, Colonel only succeeded spilling more ink on his clothes, and when he tried to wipe it, the ink just smeared even more, so Colonel just gave up before he could do more damage to his uniform.  
  
Gruber already took position and raised the Nazi salute when the General walked in.  
  
'Good heavens, Colonel!' barked General,' We cannot have sloppy officers in the German Army. Clean up immediately once I leave!'  
  
'Yes, General.' Said Colonel sheepishly.  
  
'I have received a message anonymously that the Resistance will attack the Nuvion Theatre on Friday. As you all know, a play should be done on that day, and many German officers shall come to see it. If we give up on it, it will just show how cowardly the German army is. So, I have made a plan,' Plotted the General.  
  
Gruber and Colonel bent closer to hear him.  
  
'We: Helga, me, Colonel and you too Gruber- shall join the acting cast and keep an eye on them. We shall participate in the play, so nothing could go wrong!' Exclaimed General.  
  
'Well..' Began Gruber uncertainly, but was cut off by the Colonel.  
  
'A genius plan, Herr General!' Croaked the Colonel.  
  
'We shall form the Nuvion Drama Club, where people will come volunteer for the play, including us,' added General.  
  
Gruber and the Colonel looked worriedly at each other, but knew it was no use to complain. General headed for the door.  
  
'We will meet this Tuesday,' Said General,' Heil Hitler!'  
  
He turned around and went out.  
  
'Who do you think is going to join?' asked Gruber.  
  
*******  
  
'Rene you must go in the club, nobody else wants,' proclaimed Michelle.  
  
'Oh no, not again Michelle! First blowing up trains, dressing up as flamenco dancers and then this!' Rene began backing away nervously.  
  
'We were planning to raid the theatre and capture the German soldiers, but the Germans now formed a club. None of the other Nuvion people wanted to join, so you will!' Headstrongly urged Michelle.  
  
Bertorelli began singing his familiar song of doom, 'O Sole Mio' as he was walking towards the café. Michelle swiftly turned around and 'disappeared' by the back passage.  
  
'You are-a joining da Drama Club?' asked Bertorelli once he came in,' We Italians, we are-a the best of drama artists!'  
  
'Rene!' exclaimed Edith, appearing out of nowhere,' I heard of the drama club! Can we join?'  
  
This is getting way out of my league.. thought Rene.  
  
'Yes we will,' groaned Rene.  
  
While Edith cheered and began singing 'Falling in love again' out of sheer joy, Rene wondered what part they should audition as.  
  
*******  
  
Tuesday had come very fast. The Germans met in front of a run down building which the peasants called a 'theatre' (Gruber had also run over an ordinary vehicle when he parked hi little tank). Inside was filled with cobwebs and the seats were made of wood. When the Colonel sat on one, it gave way beneath him and he fell on the dusty floor.  
  
'Why does bad luck happen to me?' he groaned.  
  
The others: General, Helga, Gruber and Bertorelli sat down in the uncomfortable seats in the audience facing the dusty small stage. General Von Klinkerhoffen took out a file and read the first name written on it.  
  
'First ones to go on stage are Officer Crabtree and Monsieur Alfonse doing an imaginary excerpt play on the story "Sherlock Holmes: The case of the mystery of the lost lollipop",' Called out General,' Drat! English play!'  
  
Two seats were dragged onto the stage, and on each one sat separately Crabtree and Alfonse. Crabtree wore a the infamous deer stalker hat and cloak, and had a pipe in his mouth, when he posed as Sherlock Holmes. Monsieur Alfonse posed as his sidekick Dr. Watson, carrying a medical bag filled with err...Monsieur Alfonse's blood pressure pills.  
  
They sat quietly there for a while, until Alfonse spoke up.  
  
'So * cough * what is the case this time * wheeze * Holmes?' Coughed out Alfonse, popping a random pill in his mouth.  
  
'This coose is the mostery of my missing lollypoop. Somebody ate my lollypoop while I hid linch at half pissed twoolve,' spoke Crabtree (Holmes) seriously.  
  
'Who do you suspect * cough *?' Asked Alfonse (Watson) swallowing another pill.  
  
'I sospocted Mrs. Hudson, because she is fot and likes chocoloots. But she is too sick to eat my lollypoop because she already ate too much of Inspector Loosterade's low fot chocoloots,' said wisely Crabtree.  
  
'How * cough * about evil Professor Moriarty, your *sneeze * archenemy?' Alfonse took five pills in at once.  
  
'No, he is too stupid. He is more lookly to be moking a brain wooshing mochine right now.' Crarbtee now looked enigmatic.  
  
'Then who is it then * cough *?' popped another ten pills in his wrinkled mouth, Alfonse.  
  
'I knoow who it woos. Be prepored fir a sirprise. It was YOU Watson!' Crabtree pointed his finger towards Alfonse's face, unfortunately jabbing the undertaker in the eye,' The lollypoop let out a rod coloor, so it made your teeth rod!'  
  
'Really!' Alfonse showed his teeth, which were horribly red,' what * cough * great detection! Another hard mystery solved by the * sneeze* great and mastermind Sherlock Holmes!'  
  
Alfonse just realized something,' Oh thank you very much Holmes, for forgetting to put the pills again in my mouth! Now I have to do it all over again. One pill..two pills..'  
  
Crabtree turned towards the Germans in the audience,' The Ond.'  
  
The Germans and one Italian blinked from their seats.  
  
'Did you understand what he said through the whole play?' asked General Von Klinkerhoffen quietly.  
  
'Not exactly,' Answered Helga confusedly.  
  
'Something-a about-a missing "lollypoop",' said loudly Bertorelli.  
  
'Oh, your understanding in foreign linguistics is fascinating Captain Bertorelli,' said Gruber.  
  
'You may leave the stage now,' ordered General,' why was Monsieur Alfonse kept putting pills in his mouth?'  
  
'One: for my blood pressure. Two: I was sick. Three: We the character was a Doctor, isn't it? Doctors carry pills everywhere!' Exclaimed Alfonse.  
  
'Erm..right. Next!' Yelled Colonel.  
  
'Ah! Rene and Madam Edith from the café are doing a play from Romeo and Juliette! Another English play!' Grumbled General.  
  
Rene and Edith came out on the stage, arm in arm. Edith wore a long simple pink peasant's dress, while Rene wore some breeches and a hat with a pheasant feather in it. Edith grabbed a chair and pretended that she was somewhere high, high up in a tower, until she almost lost balance and soberly remembered that she was just in a stool.  
  
Rene kneeled and scratched his head.  
  
'Erm...I didn't learn the lines,' He muttered out.  
  
'What?' hissed shocked Edith,' What then were you doing up all night?'  
  
'Well..Yvette had a problem, so I went to solve it with her..anyway, let's recite how we know and go along with it.' Answered quickly Rene.  
  
Madam Edith cleared her throat and began in that horrid voice of hers.  
  
'Oh Romeo! Where art thou, Romeo?' she howled.  
  
'Right down here, you stupid woman!' Said Rene.  
  
Edith ignored him,' Oh, if only I had you in my arms...'  
  
'Not on your ninny!' Cried Rene.  
  
'And kiss you with all the love I have..' she continued dreamily.  
  
'Eh, Juliette, you may keep the love for yourself, thank you,' muttered Rene.  
  
'What do you say to this, my love?' she asked, voice full of feeling.  
  
'Get me some more Bols' gin please,' hesitated Rene.  
  
Betrorelli blew up in peals of laughter, until he rolled off his chair and got himself knocked out cold. The Germans just watched him with their eyebrows raised.  
  
'Stupid Itai,' sighed Colonel.  
  
'Continue with the show!' cheered Gruber, head over heels for Rene.  
  
'Come and kiss me, Romeo!' Whined Edith.  
  
'Do I have to?' asked Rene.  
  
'The script goes like that, you selfish bastard!' screeched Edith.  
  
Reluctantly, Rene leaned up to kiss her, but unfortunately, Edith finally lost her balance on her rickety chair, so she fell down straight on Rene!  
  
'Rene! Are you alright?' asked Gruber worriedly.  
  
'I think he would,' said Edith, looking down at her knocked out husband,' Rene is an old troop!'  
  
'Not that old!' Rene's head shot up.  
  
Edith looked down at him, but Rene had again lowered his head, knocked out cold.  
  
'Get him off the stage!' annoyed ordered General.  
  
Edith grabbed Rene by the legs and barely dragged him off the dusty stage, leaving a trail of clean floor behind.  
  
'Next is..Herr Flick and Von Smallhousen doing some song excerpt of "Otto from the block" ?' announced confused General.  
  
'Zat iz correct!' said Herr Flick in the drilling voice of his.  
  
'Why are you here?' demanded Gruber.  
  
'Ze Gestapo is everywhere, Lieutenant,' answered coldly Flick, saying the last word as if it was something humiliating and disgusting.  
  
'Oh very well, get on!' Gave up Colonel.  
  
'Von Smallhousen! Ze piano please!' ordered Herr Flick.  
  
Von Smallhousen took out a tiny piano (the one which you give or the babies to play), put it in a corner and sat down to play it.  
  
'All ready, Herr Flick!' cried Von Smallhousen,' Three, two, one!'  
  
'Don't be fooled by ze coat that I got,  
  
Seig hail, seig hail, Otto from the block!  
  
Used to have a good leg, but the stick is all I got,  
  
No matter where I go, you know where I came from!  
  
My life is like a cinema screen,  
  
I stay in my headquarters as the newspapers roll,  
  
The Resistance has to pay a toll,  
  
But it's just as me,  
  
Nothing stupid, or I'll investigate,  
  
And what you'll get you will see,  
  
Don't be fooled by ze coat I've got,  
  
Sieg hail, sieg hail Otto from the block,  
  
Used to have a good leg, but the stick is all I've got,  
  
No matter where I go, you know where I came from!' sang Herr Flick.  
  
Smallhousen added a small twist at the ending of the song, and the song ended.  
  
'That is the stupidest thing I ever heard!' roared the General.  
  
'None of you Germans will be like-a we Italians!' Exclaimed Bertorelli, regaining consciousness.  
  
'Otto from the block?' snorted Gruber,' Seriously!'  
  
Helga stayed quiet as she watched her beloved do the strange song on the stage.  
  
'You'll be sorry!' sniffed Herr Flick, insulted,' Come, Von Smallhousen!'  
  
Flick and Smallhousen both hobbled off stage, their sticks clattering against the floor. Helga looked frantically at him, but stayed in her seat.  
  
'Next we have Yvette and Mimi fom the café doing a can can. Now that's more like it!' smiled General.  
  
Yvette and Mimi strolled on the stage, but they looked a little strange...  
  
'What on earth are you two wearing?' gasped the Colonel.  
  
Mimi and Yvette both wore old fashioned gray dresses, which came up to their ankles. They both looked as if they were undertakers ...from the underworld.  
  
'Madam Edith confiscated our clothes which were inappropriate, so we have to wear Madam Fanny's old clothes,' explained Mimi.  
  
'Oh very well, you may continue,' grumbled the General.  
  
'There's no music!' complained Yvette.  
  
'I'll play the piano,' offered Gruber.  
  
Gruber went towards the dusty black piano, and barely touched a key, when a pile of fine layered dust rose, making Gruber sneeze. The piano's leg's crumbled, and the piano fell down.  
  
'Oh well, it looks like I will just have to play on the floor!' said Gruber cheerfully.  
  
Then he began to play. The piano gave off weird sounds:  
  
Plink, plank, plonk, plink, plank, plonk, SPLAT!  
  
'What was that?' asked bewildered Yvette.  
  
Gruber looked inside the piano and recoiled.  
  
'Well?' urged Helga.  
  
'I think I killed a mouse,' spluttered Gruber.  
  
'Ahhh! We're getting out of here!' screamed Yvette, dragging little Mimi out behind her.  
  
'How on earth have you killed a mouse Gruber?' asked Colonel.  
  
'The bars behind the piano stabbed it,' answered Gruber.  
  
'Too much information,' mumbled Colonel.  
  
'Who's next, General?' asked Helga.  
  
'No one, only us,' checked General the register,' oh well, it seems that we will just have to do our own play!'  
  
'And-a what-a play is dat?' asked Bertorelli.  
  
'Some German officers who were in England came up with a script and gave me this, I think it's good, even if a bit childish,' Said General Von Klinkerhoffen.  
  
He showed them a copy marked: ' Harold PotHerr: Ze Chamber of Nazis' .  
  
*********  
  
It was Friday night. The Germans had also made the play with a few French peasants and (gasp!) with Herr Flick. The play was only an extract, but it was enough to see how childish it was. * 'Harold PotHerr', as you may have realized, is a strange German version of Harry Potter *  
  
The torn curtain rose. It showed an empty classroom, only Madam Edith was there ( who played Professor McGonagall, or German version, 'MacGonagzall') .  
  
Edith: Where are those three brats?  
  
(Suddenly, Gruber, Helga and Herr Flick come onto the stage.)  
  
Herr Flick: Right here Professor MacGonagzall!  
  
Edith: Ten points off Gryffindell, Herr PotHerr! Take your seats!  
  
(The 'students' sit down.)  
  
Edith: What is the spell which we use in Transfiguration?  
  
Helga: Transfiguration spells, Professor MacGonagzall!  
  
Edith: Excellent, Miss Herma Grenzell. Five points to Gryffindell! What do you get when you Transfigure a pig into a bird?  
  
Gruber: A flying pig!  
  
Edith: Three points off for your cheek, Herr Roneld Vesley! The answer is thus..  
  
********  
  
Anywayyy..since we will never find out what you will get when you transfigure a pig into a bird, we will look behind the curtains now. There, in the darkness of the shadows, lurked Michelle!  
  
'I will burn the theater down!' she claimed.  
  
But unfortunately, someone knocked her out with a stick behind her! Out of the shadows now came..  
  
'You thought that you will take the glory all for yourself?' asked Von Smallhousen (!),' The coast is clear, Monsieur Alfonse!' (!!)  
  
Monsieur Alfonse came out now behind him. Alfonse and Smallhousen were now partners in crime. (!!!)  
  
'Everything is ready?' asked Smallhousen.  
  
'Yes,' answered Alfonse.  
  
'Give me the thing with which I shall cut the curtains!' Smallhousen took out his hand.  
  
Alfonse suddenly spat out his teeth, which were false!  
  
'Aahh! Euggghh! I didn't know you had false teeth!' exclaimed Von Smallhousen.  
  
Cutting out the horrible description how Alfonse looked without his teeth, Smallhousen took the false teeth, and held them against the rope which held the curtains.  
  
'This is not for putting me into the play as Harold PotHerr, and making me play the baby piano!' Yelled Smallhousen, chopping the rope with the false teeth.  
  
Just when Herr Flick on the stage had to shove chewing gum in his mouth and Gruber (Ron) and Helga (Herma) had to start flirting with each other, the curtain fell.  
  
'Wait, not fair! Now was the big moment when I had to shoot the chewing gum out of my nostril to annoy Gruber for stealing Helga!' Cried Herr Flick, voice muffled by the curtain.  
  
Alfonse took out a match.  
  
'This is for not buying my coffins and humiliating my play!' coughed Alfonse.  
  
Alfonse went into a coughing fit, and succeeded to burn himself. The German soon caught him and took him to the town jail.  
  
So, in the end everything turned out well. The play was finished properly and General Von Klinkerhoffen earned five francs on the entrance tickets. Von Smallhousen got hit on the head millions of times by Herr Flick for destroying his part in the play. Gruber, Helga and Bertorelli bailed Alfonse out of jail, so they could all plan together how to kill General Von Klinkerhoffen for humiliating them (Bertorelli joined in because he only got the role of the caretaker, Arnold Fitch).  
  
Edith got to sing 'Falling in love again' at the end of the play, so all was well.  
  
But who was the German writer of the play? Well, he calls himself Lord Mickeymort, but I guess his real name we shall never find out.  
  
Author's Note: I know, I know, the story is boring! I hope you all know the famous English detective Sherlock Holmes and his partner Dr. Watson. Harold Potherr is actually Harry Potter, Herma Grenzell is Hermione Granger and Roneld Vesley is Ronald Weasley ( I can't believe I put Gruber as Ron the retard).'Otto from the block' is actually Jennifer Lopez's song 'Jenny from the block'. Otto is err Flick's first name. This story took me about four days to write, and had a lot of fun. Please ladies and gentlemen, review or flame, I don't care, just I would like to know if anybody read it! 


End file.
